Its 0:01 on my clock. The day has hardly unfolded. Today holds a loose agenda and I’m sure we’ll fill the empty time slots with dining, playing cards, walking around old town, reading or Skyping. Perhaps all of the above.
However, my mind hasn’t yet crossed over to the actual today. I still lag in yesterday, which still feels like today. We slice time into days and minutes and seconds, but our minds have never really cared to figure out when you stop thinking about today – or yesterday – and begin thinking about tomorrow, which is today. I guess I’m rambling about this because its late (or early, depending on which day you’re thinking in) and I wish I was tired enough to fall asleep. I still haven’t reflected on all that has happened today (I will stubbornly remain in this day until I notify you otherwise).
We had a good one. Started the morning with a podcast from APC, semi-pathetic time together in our Pr@yers for my Marriage book…I say pathetic not because we don’t like each other, but maybe more so because its difficult for me to genuinely participate in such a manicured book with topics so general that they wouldn’t even offend anybody. Also perhaps because today I didn’t discipline myself to not just go through the motions. When I really take to heart what the mini devos say previous to the pr@yers and discuss them with Oz, we both end up a little more transformed than we were in the minutes previous. Interesting.
After that we ventured out for lunch, which consisted of an egg tartlet thing for Oz and a French macaroon for me (dessert > lunch) then ate some Bao zi dumplings and noodles at our favorite Chicken Noodle Shop.
They know us now.
We’re so local.
And so obsessed with their noodle dishes.
We ran into a neighbor who is from Spain and the three of us waltzed around town for a bit window-shopping and Boba-tea-drinking. We made it back home in time to meet up with our friends, J & L, started a vicious game of Hearts, chatted about pinched nerves and Tiger Balm (shout out to Momma Bee!) and met up with another couple and their two kiddies for an early dinner.
The rest of our evening was…in all honesty, lazy. I browsed Pinterest and Youtubed new songs while Oz played more card games on the iPad. (Hearts is kind of our new thing. The reference to the game may appear frequently on this here blog.) By late evening we came back to reality (Ope! There goes gravity.) and ventured out to the good ol’ Gu Chong for some bing qi ling, aka: ice cream aka: our other [semi-] new thing.
I’d like to say we skipped-to-our-lous like darlings over to KFC (our bing qi ling dealer), but we both were a bit…irritable. Lets say we were having some flesh moments. No one is at their best when they operate from such a hostile place. And it was all to inconvenient that we had to wait in the front of the line for 15 minutes to even order our cones (plus the fries I couldn’t resist). Neither of us was letting go of our previous irritations. In fact, I myself had forgotten about the specifics of what had been so on my nerves for the moment but used the attitude from it to build more attitude for the new issue we now faced at KFC.
I think now, in the odd hour between yesterday and today, its clear that whenever I’m demanding my rights and coppin’ a ‘tude because I’m not the center of the world, I notice that every time I am in that state, in that moment I actually see myself working my way through the following steps:
First off, I’m age five.
I stomp my feet with a pout that starts deep in my brow.
I see I am not getting sympathy from anybody, so I stiffly cross my arms.
Pout still in full force.
I make no direct eye contact with those I love, but peer over at them when I know they aren’t looking at me.
I shift the weight of my head with my neck like I’m even bothered that no one is moving it for me.
I kind of move on when they finally hand over my ice cream. Gee, what took so long.
Now, I don’t think I actually am doing this in my 24-year-old body, but I think the image of me in my head is a way G0d is saying,
Seriously Bee? You are being ridiculous. Let me guide you.
And with what sounds like a faint voice, I’m provoked to think upon what better decisions in my mindset and thought-process I could have made if I hadn’t given in so easily to my flesh. Here’s what I’ve got so far:
First, I would have put my husband first.
I could have been compassionate to someone’s needs other than my own.
I would have recognized the opportunity to relinquish my rights – something I desire!
I would have stopped and been grateful for His grace.
For His discipline.
I would have asked Him how to respond.
I would have listened.
I would have surrendered my mind and heart so He could clear out my judgmental and selfish thoughts to make room for life-giving thoughts and patience.
I would have perhaps encouraged the KFC employees who were working their tails off.
I would have had a more sincere apology when I finally came around to one.
I know the list goes on. I am not writing this as an invitation to my pity-party. But I am reflecting on the situation. And in hindsight, I think Chr!st could have been more glorified. And that is what I want more of.
To glorify Him in everything.
To stop and take every thought captive.
To respond with love, patience, humility and kindness, even if I can think of every reason not too.
I want to actively relinquish my rights. Not just talk about it.
I am grateful for the annoying image of me as a grumpy five year old when I give in to my flesh. Its almost comical how intimately the Father knows us and knows what will speak to us. I do not want to reflect such selfishness, immaturity and pride. No, on the contrary, I want to reflect Chr!st. I want to grow in being quick to listen, quick to obey, quick to forgive, quick to love and quick to encourage. I have such a long way to go. The deeper I venture into this process the more I realize my need for Father’s healing touch and grace. Thankfully, there is no obstacle too complex or too big for Him.
No wonder He has new mercy for us everyday. He knew we’d need it.
In moving forward,today has arrived (actual today). I drench myself in His showers of new mercy and thank Him for a new day. Another breath of life.
I have an incredible husband, an amazing adventure in front of us, wonderful new friends to invest in.
It is a whole new day to creatively worship Him.
There has never been life more abundant.
It is finally passed my bedtime.
The L0rd is my Shepard,