This was originally going to be a short instagram post, this public gush. However, in the days leading up to this November 16th, something was aching in my heart to take it to the blog. I can be louder here. More detailed. Something I feel is necessary today.
So as a pathetic intro, forgive me for my silence as of late; I understand its been quite some time. I do hope, however, that today will spark a new routine that includes this here forum. I sure have missed it.
You may remember our story (here) of our journey together. I love reminiscing in this way. It brings me back to the simplicity of things when life seems to tack on lots of complex nonsense to sift through. The last few days I’ve been lead into this simplicity again. I feel grounded more than before. More sure than before. More aware. That’s what simplicity and truth can do. They ground me. They blow away the muck and I see clearly again. I see not only what had once been seen and became blurry, although yes, that too. I see new things. The next layer deep. The layer that I couldn’t see before because I was busy seeing the previous layer. His timing is so perfect and He brings revelation from such a patient heart. I’m so grateful and humbled.
This summer when we lived in LA, I distinctly remember an especially difficult day. Well, a bit of a backstory first: we were working alongside each other leading a school of foreign teenagers who had come for weeks at a time to study English and explore California. Long story short, it was a 24/7 gig.
So, this was a difficult day. I felt stretched thin and deflated. Oz and I had spoken and we both found some courage to give each other and made a game plan for the afternoon. I was walking down the hall away from him and onto my destination when clear as day my whole self felt what I had always longed to be true in my own life,
I wish I could go back to find him sooner so I could love him longer…
Except the quote in all of it’s order and execution didn’t come to me quite so clearly.
The longing did.
And don’t be thrown off…this isn’t the first time I felt love for my husband. Not in the slightest. Love seems to be a multifaceted Rubik’s cube of some sort that with each day you learn more how to navigate and experience. There are multiple surfaces to be lead into and explore.
I felt the ache that time together hadn’t started soon enough and my heart was and is full of so much love for him. Sometimes it feels like too much for only now and onwards. Perhaps borrowing from the past, placing our starting marker back a few years would suffice so I could unleash this love sooner and be in this bliss longer with the man who stole my heart in the most courageous way. I couldn’t muster up this quote in the moment, and my flustered state made me laugh. I thought, here it is! Here is what this feels like! And I can’t put my finger on it. It was deeply romantic and not romantic at the same time. Oz wasn’t even in the room anymore. No dim lighting, no candles, no bold heroic movement on my behalf. Except, maybe the latter.
When life is hard and people are mean it is the heroic thing to be present with each other. To know someone so deeply that you know exactly what they need to hear. You know exactly what to do. The kick in the pants, or the extra-long hug. You can read between the lines and call out the brave in each other. Call out the victory and triumph. Even if you can’t fix it or you don’t know how, the effort of holding up each others arms calms many storms. In moments like this one, on that difficult day, I felt our hearts align as one. Functioning together as two individuals who chose to submit to something greater than themselves. To walk together as a unit through it all. This is an inspiring dynamic.
I realize more and more with each married day how incredible it is to live life together. Although we are not perfect at it, we are getting better at being there for each other. And may I remind us all that it has never been just the two of us. Lord knows I’m blind as a bat sometimes with seeing what my husband needs or understanding what he’s really trying to say. Neither of us are mind-readers and we both have thrown our own emotions as darts at the most inappropriate times. Without the humility to go before our Father and pray for wisdom in our marriage, for discernment as we handle each other with care, or being honest enough to go to trusted people in our community when we need a third party to sort through something messy, we would be nowhere near where we are today.
In the midst of my stress and the chaos and fear of our work lives that day, I laughed with relief and joy and resolve that love is much bigger than our circumstances and even our selves. I’d rather go through life as a warrior with this man by my side than to sit in the lap of luxury, ignorant to the beauty that courageous and bold love brings. This love changes us. It transforms us. It gives us a beautiful picture of our Father and how big His love is for us. If I can desire for time to stretch in both directions, forward and backward, simply to love my husband longer and make him mine sooner, how much more is His longing toward us? Afterall, He IS love. And he displayed the greatest of loves when he humbly laid down his life for us. All for the non-complicated fact that He is wanting to spend life together, with us. How much deeper is joy when in we are in alignment with the heart of our Savior. The one who knows us and first loved us. Even when we kicked and screamed and doubted his authenticity. His bravery astounds me and inspires me. He painted us a very clear and simple picture of what love is.
It is with this picture of love, coupled with my own heart’s journey with my husband, that I reminisce on November 16th. Our fifth anniversary of being a thing. We weren’t yet Oz & Bee when we went to breakfast that Monday morning. We were two individuals with a hope of becoming something amazing. There was so much mystery ahead of us. We were a mystery to each other. What’s cool is that there is still mystery. Our first handful of years together isn’t going to look like the next handful. But we are going to enter into it as different people. We’ve got a few tools on our belt now. We have a rhythm together. Still shaky at times, but its there.
In all honesty, I don’t think I need the years we didn’t have together. We weren’t ready yet. We were being primed for a great adventure neither of us knew how to dream about. And although at times I wish I knew then what I know now, I don’t wish that upon me today. I like not having all the answers. I am enjoying learning as we go. I enjoy being present.
And I know I said I’d rather be a warrior than have luxury, but Lord knows I’d never turn down a chance to lounge poolside with a white robe and a cocktail. I could also be very present in that moment. Happily.
Happy High-five years to the making of Oz & Bee. Although November 16th is not our wedding anniversary, I still celebrate it as the incredible first day to the rest of our lives.
You are my favorite human, Oz.
I love you in all of time’s directions,
Bee, your wife.