Tag Archives: trust

But Mostly, for Help.

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Tonight i journaled for the first time in what feels like months. And it was with a rawness that has been avoided for even longer. I processed a hard conversation I had tonight and got embarrassingly ugly on the pages of my new, pretty, gold and white hard-covered journal.

My immediate thought after journalling tonight was regarding my Ugly. I wish we could decide on the degree of Ugly we wrestle with. I’m not talking about the Ugly we all love to hate and occasionally brag about; the crooked smile, being a clean-freak, being too loyal of a friend, etc.

Crooked smiles and cleaning habits are pretend uglies that we use to try to disguise our deeper issues. Either that, or they’re our lame attempts at small talk. There is Ugly in us that we don’t even want to admit in our own quiet thoughts. Jealousy, anger, incredible impatience, insecurities, comparison, a lack of care for the needy, etc. These are the Uglies that keep us up at night. Maybe I’m only one of a few, so I’ll speak for myself.

Tonight I let some of my Ugly come out as I processed this hard conversation. I’ve always feared admitting such deep Ugly, even inside a private journal because somehow I felt giving it shape would also give it breath to come alive and start taking over my every thought and word and sooner or later it would be some self-fulfilling prophesy that I unleashed. So, I’ve usually only penned the essence of it, never truly letting it out of its dark cage. It’s been more like holding vomit in my mouth, just waiting for the urge to subside until I decide to swallow it again, ignoring the fact that it will burn and rage internally, causing deeper sickness and destruction, prolonging the inevitable purge that comes before peace while attempting to convince myself I never had the vomit so close to the edge of my lips in the first place.

But tonight I thought about shining light on the dark Ugly. Holding it inside has only gotten me stuck and stressed and it tastes bad, so why not try the exact opposite. Before I could change my mind, I admitted all of it. Ugly thoughts, Ugly feelings, Ugly admissions and Ugly accusations. I felt incredibly raw and frighteningly vulnerable. Like, walking-down-a-dark-alley-yelling-loudly-to-scare-away-potential-threats-and-running-faster-than-I-thought-possible vulnerable. But I made it through unscathed. And not only did the honesty NOT give breath to this Ugly, it actually seemed to suffocate it.

I prayed it all out, really. I trust the God who says to cast all my cares upon Him. So casting I did. In my written prayer I yelled, I didn’t hold back the emotional cocktail of anger and sadness, of disappointment and surrender. I wept and I left nothing unsaid. I opened the vaults and went down the list of scary things I always thought were not okay to admit. I remembered the saying,

if you can’t say it out loud, it owns you.

I will not be owned anymore. I laid every bit of it at the feet of Jesus and asked for His wisdom. I asked hard questions. I voiced disappointments and fears, and I acknowledged his goodness, more as a declaration of faith, if I’m keeping things honest.

My brother has clung to the hope: Beauty for the Ugly. And tonight I am clinging to it as well. I asked God to show me the beauty for all this ugly. Asking, in part, to fuel my faith that there actually will be beauty in exchange. I asked for redemption and restoration. I asked for peace in the midst of chaos, confusion and brokenness. I asked for humility where I’m prideful. I asked for breakthrough, for promises, for joy, for triumph and mostly, for help.

So, tonight I lay bare. Slightly embarrassed of the Ugly I unleashed. It’s not the brag-worthy kind of ugly people love to hate about themselves. It’s a train-wreck-why haven’t-you-gone-to-counseling-yet Ugly. But, I’m very ready to sift through it all for the sake of Beauty. My heart feels a mixture of relief and anticipation. Relief for the freedom this admission has granted, knowing I am in trustworthy and productive, kind hands, and anticipation for God to respond.

He can handle my Ugly. He isn’t shocked by it, He isn’t surprised by it and He isn’t shaken by it. I am so thankful that I, too, am not shaken like I thought I’d be. Turns out, this rock on which I stand is very solid.

Cheers to unleashing the Ugly and not letting it own us. To the beauty and hope that lies ahead, and to all the crooked smiles and clean freaks.

-Bee

“Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
Matt. 11:28

“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” 
Romans 8:26

“Cast your cares on on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” Psalm 55:22

“He will give a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair…” Isaiah 61:3

“Call to me and I will answer you, showing you great and mighty things which you do not know.” Jeremiah 33:3

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Trust and Persevere

W O W,

is it really already August? It’s crazy how quickly time can get away. I’m simultaneously excited that we have a month left as well as a little uneasy that it’s only a month. There’s so much possibility for growth in a month – so much can happen. Yet how easily it could be wasted if we aren’t careful and focused on our goals. It’s exactly that recent lack of focus that is serving to create an anxiety in me about the length of time we have left. It seems my mind feels that time is running out.

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               What if G0d doesn’t reveal any next step or purpose?

 

                                      What if we fail to solidify those good spiritual habits?

 

                          What if we come back and nothing has really changed?

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Trusting in G0d should be easy seeing as how I can tell and retell countless stories of the good He has done for both me and so many I’ve met. How is it then that I so quickly resort to my own self-sufficiency? Futilely trying to take things into my own hands, forcefully pushing forward for answers that I somehow feel are overdue. As if G0d can’t handle what He’s lead me into? As if He doesn’t have a plan just because I can’t see it? What an outrageously hilarious lie! How prideful and arrogant of me to assume that my understanding of a situation might determine reality. How mundane and predictable the world would be if my own perceptions were the edge of the map.

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                                                            I declare that they are not!

                                                (Job 12:13, 42:3)(Proverbs 3:5)(Ezekiel 28:3)

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I declare that, in the face of even the most hopeless of circumstances, my G0d has a plan.

                                               (Jeremiah 29:11)(Daniel 3:17, 6:20-22)(Genesis 45:4-8)

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                       I declare that my G0d is a good G0d and I eagerly anticipate His goodness.                                                                                       (Psalm 27:13)(Psalm 23:6)

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When we find ourselves in a place of doubting G0d’s sovereignty, let’s produce fruit in keeping with repentance as exemplified in Pslam 51…

 “Have mercy on me, O G0d, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. … Create in me a pure heart, O G0d, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” (51:1-2,10)

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Let’s remind ourselves that no matter the problem, He can handle it. Let’s stop believing lies about our G0d’s faithfulness and instead determine to turn our hearts to Him in praise…

“Why are you downcast, O my soul?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in the L0rd,

for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my G0d.”

(Ps. 43:5)

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“Praise the L0rd, O my soul;

all my inmost being praise his holy name.

Praise the L0rd, O my soul,

 and forget not all his benefits –

who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies the desires with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s”

(Ps. 103:1-5)

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               “Wait for the L0rd; be strong and take heart and wait for the L0rd”

(Ps. 27:14)

        

   ~OZ

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Goal for Today

 

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“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow,

for tomorrow will worry about its own things.

Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

matthew 6:34

 

 

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